| (no subject) |
[Nov. 28th, 2009|10:37 pm] |
i am currently applying to the Oxford program. i really want this and i really hope I get in. chances are low but you gotta leap right?
life is hard but life is good
we live through the bad for the moments of great
being home is a mixture of feelings but California is where I am from and ultimately where I think I will end up.
My friends from highschool are amazing and I am so lucky to have them in my life. Last night we met at the junction that is my house at 9 ish pilled into two cars and heading into the city. Up and down and all around on the rolelrcoaster streets for a good hour and a half. Sketchy side streets and champagn toasts and ultimately bad neighbor hoods with awesome hookah bars and even better company. finally ending back at the 5941 and eating hot fudge, cheese and ruffles. mmmm nutritious. i love all of you. you make life an adventure and a pleasure.
ps a hobo asked me if i got my license out of a cracker jack box lol |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 24th, 2009|01:30 am] |
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currently hanging out in the psuedo suite with all my 330's boys. it is so hard to be around chad in this atmosphere because this is the atmosphere we existed in together. i really miss him. but there is no hope. i don't know what is worse having hope or having none. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 17th, 2009|06:56 pm] |
hi. its seems silly to be writting in livejournal especially seeing as we have all kind of graduated from it but i kind of see it as a rough draft to my life, thoughts etc. its where i write things down to figure them out. spew a lot of garbage in order to maybe pick out a few things of consequence. so it serves its purpose.
its funny how time heals and changes your memories. i am currently dealing with the heartache that is the chad situation. i keep expecting it to go away, and it does, but suddenly it will rear its ugly head with great ferocity and the pain will come back. in these moments i think "god nothing has ever felt this bad, i have never felt like this before" but the other day i stumbled upon an old diary and i have felt exactly, down to the very t, like this before in dealing with my previous breakup. i just forget.and i have to have faith that this too shall be forgotten and melt into a decently happy memory. life is too short to remember the bad, if people did they would never love more than once.
the hardest part is having it be out of your control and feeling as though the other person resents you or is angry. i don't want to be something negative in his life. and i don't know what would be harder seeing him and being his friend or continuing down this awkward path of ignoring and what comes off as total dislike.
i really miss him, but i think its more i miss the memory of what we used to be. its like the girl who likes the idea of a boyfriend but doesn't really like the guy she's with. i like, no i still love, the memory of chad and this memory is holding me back.
don't get me wrong its not all whining and pining, most of the time i'm living life to its best, what else are you going to do. school is great, friends are awesome, my mom and grandparents are incredible, i love HYPE! but its a big unresolved thing in my life that lives and festers in the back of my mind. i wish i could have some more definite resolution but i think again that resolution is time.
love is such a worlwind emotional takeover. its addictive and without it you feel the very negative reprocutions of withdrawal. i miss those obsessive thoughts where you can't concentrate on anything but that person, where you can't stop smilling even while taking the hardest test of your life. i miss the confort in conversation and the complete inhibition you feel when around that person. i miss the passion and the inability to refrain from tackling them and passionately being together. i miss all of that. love makes you feel so full all the time. so satisfied. and without out it life seems duller, muted.
i wish i could snap my fingers and make this go away. i wish i could understand. but i can't. in life we are taught if we work hard enough we can be whatever we want, do whateveer we want, accomplish anything. maybe that's why this is so difficult and frustrating, because there is nothing i can do, no amount of work i can put in to go back in time, to change the past, to shape the future. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 29th, 2009|06:00 pm] |
TWO QUOTES OF PRESENT
"You always hurt the ones you love"
"This too shall pass" |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 26th, 2009|12:54 am] |
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i'm in so much pain. i have lost who i am in this process and i hate it |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 22nd, 2009|03:44 am] |
You know....this is going to be a GREAT semester....busy as FUCK....and balancing is going ot be.....an issue.....
As of now my work has kinda gone to the wayside trying to figue my life out BUT that is going to change riiiiiiight NOW....i need to get my act together...especially since everything is really starting to fall into place now
i am still very sad about chad...of course hwo could I not be BUT there is soooo much other awesome stuff that I can deal and realize how great things are....and honestly maybe him not being in my life will give me more time to LIVE my life and get setted here and love my school for what it is and NOT a boy...if at some point soon he figures out he still wants this I will work to make it work....but time is ticking and I am moving away from that period of my life
ANYWAYS onto bigger and better things! I AM SO EXCITED!!!!! I MADE IT INTO HYPE! THE MIME TROUPE!!!!! 20 people auditioned (that i know about, maybe more i don't know) and two people made it!!!!! i am soooo freaking excited it's going to be awesome and the people are great AND i'll be a part of this for the next 3 years!
ALSO i'm waiting to hear if i get a bid from ALPHA PHI tomorow at NOON! YIKES! never thought i'd be a sorority girl but well i guess it's happened...ish.....crossing my fingers
also the MASSPIRG internship if that works out EK!
but yea life is great i'm really starting to flourish which is awesome.
love <3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 19th, 2009|03:41 pm] |
Hi. Ok. I'm back.
Just had a mojor break down outside on the grass. I couldn't help myself. Then the best thing happened. A older woman who works at Hotung stoped. Sat down next to me and said: are you ok honey? do you need anything? why are you crying? over a boy? how old are ya? you're too young for this? he's not worth it. you're a beutiful girl. you need to be strong. us girls always feel the need to say sorry and take the blame and say i lvoe you when they don't return it. we need to grow some balls. go out with your friends tonight. have a good time. it's his loss. he'll come crawling back.
I AM STRONG
I DON"T NEED HIM
LIFE WILL GO ON
I HAVE GREAT FRIENDS
I DESERVE THE BEST
I DON"T NEED HIM
FUCK HIM BECAUSE I AM STRONG
thank you hotung lady :)
people are wonderful
the world can be mean and harsh but there are some amazing people who occupy it
this is just another chapter in my life
this too shall pass |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 19th, 2009|03:23 pm] |
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i can't concentrate on anything. why did it happen? i know i was questioning whether or not we should break up. but i never actually wanted it. i love him so much. i am so hurt. all i want to do is be with him. i miss him so much. i can't stop crying. fuck my life. i want to scream. i'm so lost. i'm hyperventilating. what do i do? |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 14th, 2009|08:44 pm] |
yikes....in the library again....and conflicted as fuck
to break up or not to break up?
siiiiigh this is so hard and so confusing and so draining and so preoccupying
i can't focus on anything |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 13th, 2009|04:41 pm] |
Hello all,
I feel as though no one really uses these any more. But who cares this post is mostely for me and figuring out my life. Once again i findmyself back in college, taking a break from the mounds of work that i have. and here i am again in the throws of a relationship and wondering what exactly that means, what is expected and what is the worth.
so what is the definition of a relationship?
i have always stated that love is a state where you care so deeply about another person that all you care about is their happiness and well being and you forgo your own in the expectation that the other person involved is also looking out for your happiness, thus everyone wins
but is that simply the honeymoon phase, the complete obsession, passion and irrational but also best part of a relationship? does this want to forever please the other persist always?
is the next phase just habit, staying to stay, because you always have, because you know mentally you love and care about the other person rather than simply feeling it
and is that phase really worth it at our age?
a relationship should enhance your character and your state of happiness, it should elevate, inspire and motivate, it should encourage you to be your best and put bring out the best aspects of your personality, it should breed confidence and radiance
and if it doesn't anymore? how long to you stick around waiting for it to fix?
if you lose sight of yourself and who you are?
if suddenly the negative aspects of your personality come out is it worth it?
and who's to blame, both parties, him for making me feel this way, or me for letting it change me |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 7th, 2009|03:12 pm] |
i have not written here in a long time
i guess this is what happens when you are procrastinating in the library
i have nothing insightful to share
la la la la la
alexis' thoughts:
a) i do not want to do work
b) i am very uncomfortably full
that is all |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 29th, 2009|03:36 pm] |
being injured sucks sigh
grrrrrr
that is all |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 23rd, 2008|11:20 pm] |
no one comapres to my friends from home
never have things been more easy
morenatural
more fun
more hilarious
more crazy
more spontaneous
i love you guys
thanks for being awesome
i would be so lost without you
LOVE ALWAYS |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 15th, 2008|09:11 am] |
officially done with finals and first semester....dayum....how did that happen
i'm sitting in my dorm, on my birhgt green sheets and just taking it in before heading home, back to the yay
it is weird how this has kinda become home
i am so excited to be back, to see everyone i love, to drive around, to hit up all the best restautants, stinson, grizzly peak, tahoe, new years, UC roadtrip, marathons, chik flick nights, the city.....it gonna be a great month
but it's weird......i'm going to miss college...and i don't know when that happened
sunday night waffles, staying up till 3 every night, getting crab clawed and abused by the guys, mini soccer games
anywho....can' wait to be home....i miss you all :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 13th, 2008|11:48 am] |
i like him so much
concentrating on final = very difficult
:) |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 11th, 2008|08:11 pm] |
fuck work
fuck finals meaning so much
why do you even work earlier in the semester if it all comes down to the final
fuck fuck fuck bad timing
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 7th, 2008|03:35 pm] |
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
this is my life right now |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 2nd, 2008|11:25 pm] |
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things seem off since thansgiving :/ |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 24th, 2008|01:51 pm] |
GAH!
i am so sick of working....the eternal grind....i swear it never ends....
BUT thanksgiving soooooooooon
it's going to be so weird to see everyone...i'm uber excited....but i can't believe we've been apart for so long....it's weird to think that our lives are never going to be all together again....
i have been planing in my head all the things i want to do.....there is def not enough time but it will be great
it is strange though to have this totally different life in collge...where i'm going back to my friends, the people who know me best and yet people here are like "omg five days, that's so long, and over christmas i'm going to miss you so much etc.." I mean what is with this constant leaving and gaining of friends...it's such a weird dichotomy......
god i'm excited to go back....it just keeps bubbling up more and more as i write....i mean i know its only been what like three months....but i feel pretty confident in the fact that i will be friends with you guys forever....you can't just be that close and then have people drop out of your life....it is impossible.......i will be anooying aunt alexis who sends the gross fruitcakes and as an 80 woman i will still be coming around with pictures of my cats for you to look at....muffins dressed in santa gear....fluffy as an easter bunny
anywho.....now that i'm done with that little rant...college....ok.....so THE BOY....i have spent everynight with him until 5 am for over a week.....not an exageration......he has said "i don't kow what i would do without you here"......"you are the person i trust most here"........"what are we gonna do for a month during christmas, i'm going to miss you"........
BAH....its strange though......the way it feels to me is that we are basically dating without the physical......and to be honest i don't know if i even want that.....just becuase of th fact that he his a friend.....like the thought of the ohysical is weird and foreign and unnatural....i don't know......siiiiiiiigh
i am procrastinating so hard on this essay right now GAH
oh and just btw when you have a major crush on someone and they live down the hall....you get no work done....ever.....it is so bad
grrrrrr
LESS THAN 48 HOURS UNTIL I"M IN THE BAY BAY BAY BAY BAY BAY
I CAN"T WAIT GUYS
LOVE FOREVER AND EVER! |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 12th, 2008|12:37 pm] |
so last night was interesting
he's like my best friend here
i spend far too much time together
we think the same way
since we first met we've called each other our other halves
things have been really really flirtatious
so last night we talked about it
talked about "us"
how strange....it was very strange
and we've decided we both have feelings for each other
and yet....nothing has happened
do i actually want something to happen?????
i don't know
we're such good friends.....and i don't know if i can see us being pysical
like it just seems strange
i don't know
basically i'm very confused
we talked about it for about 3 hours and yet we talked about nothing at all
i must say it is nice to have a crush...its been awhile
it sucks though cause i can't seem to get any work done :)
i'm just ranting right now.....procrastinating on my essay
siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh |
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